Research by John Gottman says to have a healthy relationship, we need 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. It also indicates that we need the 1 negative interaction in order to grow. The research on 5:1 was done as it relates to healthy marriages. I’m not going to talk about marriage today. I am going to talk about partnerships.
I am a big fan of strengths. I talk about them a lot, so much so, that my oldest son, who was 10 at the time was listening to a conversation my husband and I were having and interrupted me mid sentence to get my attention…”Mommy, mommy, look at me…Is that from your (air quotes) strengths book?”
He interrupted our conversation (a bit of a pet peeve in our family) and made a smart remark (disrespectful)…My response…I’ll get to that in a little bit…
When I first started working at Life School, I was a little overwhelmed. Overwhelmed at how encouraging everyone was. It felt great and awkward all at the same time. I have a confession, compliments don’t come naturally to me…giving them or receiving them.
I was introduced to Clifton’s StrengthsFinder about 6 years ago. I was immediately hooked. It helped me embrace and appreciate my own strengths as well as embrace and appreciate the strengths of others. Focusing on strengths has been a valuable relationship building tool for me.
In getting to know my new family at Life School, each member of our group took the Strengthsfinder test and we began to learn more about what makes each other tick. The strengths definitions helped us have a common language around strengths, taking away some of the awkwardness around complimenting each other. I know, it shouldn’t be awkward to say kind things, but how often do we really give someone authentic feedback beyond the basic “nice job” or “I like the way you handled that situation”?
During this strengths study, I was challenged that the strengths identified through the strengths test only provides a narrow view (our own) of how we think we respond in situations and not how we actually respond in situations.
This sparked the 5:1 process. Strengths aside, what do we want to be known for? We wrote down 5 qualities we would want others to see in us and one thing we believe we could improve on. These are our personal leadership goals. And they are very personal. The 5 things are core to who we are. They won’t change much over time. The one thing is our challenge to work on and overcome and WILL change over time.
Once our goals were set, we challenged each other to reach out to others to get feedback. This turned out to be the most meaningful part of the process. We were affirmed in our strengths, learned strengths we didn’t even know we had and were challenged beyond the limits we set for ourselves.
This past year I thought it would be interesting to see how 5:1 could be used as a communication tool between teachers, parents and students. I sent my kids’ teachers an email requesting 5 leadership qualities they saw in my kids and one thing they could improve on.
The first one I received back was for my youngest son, who was in 4th grade. It melted my heart and boosted his confidence. He is what most would consider the ideal student. Good grades, never gets in trouble, and completes his work on time. Usually when I ask if he has any homework, he has already completed it…well before the due date.
Here is what his teacher said:
1) servant heart – he genuinely wants to help others be successful
2) humble – he does not need nor want to be the center of attention
3) conscientious with his words and actions. He can be counted on to always do what is expected
4) leader – respected by his peers
5) dependable – I can always count on him to lend a helping hand to someone in need.
What awesome feedback for a kid who doesn’t crave attention to be recognized for his humility. This teacher really knew my child and gave him opportunities to let his strengths shine.
Many times, students with good performance in school don’t receive feedback on how they could improve. If you don’t cause any problems, just keep doing what your doing. right? No.
The one thing the teacher provided to improve on was:
1) Work on being more comfortable communicating with adults.
This is the skill we (as adults) need to keep us from dodging people in the grocery store because we don’t want to speak! At home, we actively worked on this and I’m proud to report that he has had multiple opportunities to work on this skill and is getting better. As a humble kid, he really doesn’t like to bring attention to himself. But, he is learning the importance of communication…at 11 years old.
So, back to my oldest son and his rude, disrespectful comment…”Mommy, Mommy…look at me. Is that from your (air quotes) strengths book?”
I responded, laughing, that strengths book makes me appreciate you a lot more than I would without it! He is 13 now, it’s been 3 years since the (air quotes) strengths book comment, and he has the same great qualities…
1) He is confident, he doesn’t mind speaking up;
2) He is persistent, he doesn’t give up until he gets your attention;
3) He listens intently (even when you don’t think he is);
4) He has a great memory, he can accurately recount stories he has heard from years ago; and
5) He is witty, he can make jokes relative to the topic at hand
The one thing he could work on…discretion. The (air quotes) example was a time that we all laughed. There are other times, when he needs to recognize that it is best not to say anything at all. With time and experience he is learning how to manage his natural talents.
I know some of you might be thinking there is no way you could do this…I was sharing this process with my friend (who is a teacher) and encouraging her to do this for her own child. She had a hard time. It is human nature to focus on the negative or what we can do better rather than recognizing what we do well.
No excuses….to help you get started…just search Twitter for the hashtag #5to1 #student for examples of what parents and teachers are saying about students.
I encourage you to take time today, tomorrow and the rest of this year to recognize the strengths in others; especially your peers, your own kids and the students in your classrooms this year. You might be surprised by the impact it has on them….and, more importantly…the impact it will have on you!